The blog

Walking out of my last history lecture at the University of Georgia today, I realized suddenly and all too quickly that my time in college is really coming to an end. Tomorrow I will attend my very last class ever before waking the stage in a couple weeks to receive the piece of paper that represents all I’ve done in the last three years. Early this afternoon, I left my law class taken from a professor whom I’ve spoken very little to yet one I have the utmost respect for, and while I expected to leave feeling a void in my gut knowing that I’ll never take such a class again, I felt whole. As I put in my headphones and listened to ABBA as I so often used to do, I reminisced of freshman year when I would walk around listening to the same band feeling nothing but emptiness and stress, wandering aimlessly until I felt I had what it is I needed to be successful or happy.

Oh, how I tried everything imaginable to fill my cup and make myself feel good in my own skin! I probably changed my major or career path at least five times. I joined a book club that I only stuck with for three weeks. I was part of a research lab I dedicated maybe a total of five hours to. I worked a job for a couple months then quickly switched to something else the moment I felt as though my time was being wasted. I went home more to soak up time with family, but then regretted not spending my weekends in Athens with friends. I then spent my weekends in Athens and still felt disappointed as though my time was not adequately dispersed. I tried maybe eight different diets and twelve different workout routines just to look practically the exact same I did when I was 18 (on that note, it took me far too long to realize that a healthy lifestyle does not exist within the confines of obsession over the number on the scale). I made friends I thought would be my ultimate go-to people, and I found that many of those people would only be a small part of my life. I spent way too much money on groceries when I knew I would just end up getting Mexican or Cook Out with my friends again. I told myself at the start of this year that I would blog more, yet every time I thought about doing so I would instantly feel dreary and too tired to put any thoughts on paper.

There were many things I set out to do and never finished. I took up crocheting again and attempted to make a blanket, but 3 out of the 9 massive granny squares still sit idle and unformed in the basket of endless throws in my room. I regretfully never played IM sports like I thought I would. I stopped taking piano lessons, and it still doesn’t feel real. Even knowing that I had but a short time left to enjoy my college years, I’ve spent the last month scrambling in my mind to figure out what I needed to do to be happy with my time. But, as I walked today from North campus to Tate to get my latest usual Chick-fil-a lunch and sit on the North lawn in between classes, I felt something I’d never felt before regarding my time spent: contentment. Yes, that highly demanded and sought-after feeling that makes all things make sense with gratitude being the pillar on which it all stands. I wasn’t even intentional to feel such an emotion. I didn’t try too hard to make peace with the last three years, nor did I spend an enormous amount of time thinking about what I will do next. No, I simply walked around on the campus I’ve come to regard as a second home listening to the band that carried me through many rough seasons, and suddenly – all at once – I got it.

Whatever it is 18 year-old me was looking for, I got it. I don’t know if what I needed was peace or confidence or direction or answers. I don’t know if I came to college looking for an accomplishment or a purpose. I’m unsure if I even cared to get smarter and more academic. But, whatever it is my soul needed, I think I got it.

I recall more than ever now the words Dr. James Porter ( a remarkable pioneer in the field of conservation biology who used to teach at UGA) said at a pop-up lecture spring of freshman year: “You don’t go to college to get a degree. You go to develop your ethics.” Of course I came to get a degree! Why else would I be here? If I want to develop my ethics, shouldn’t I be out in the real world interacting with more people from more diverse backgrounds? I didn’t fully understand until now what it is he meant.

I think what Dr. Porter meant was that even though higher education is meant to grow us into instruments of academia, we get to leave with something greater: a greater sense of self, a greater perspective, and a more astute sense of contentment. And, what a remarkable gift it is to have obtained such things. I think – well no, I know – that I have been blessed to come to know such things truly.

Today I realized that I was walking out the very dreams 18 year-old me was too scared to pursue. I was living out the creative expressions I left unfinished in my journals from my shoebox dorm room. I was experiencing everything I had ever hoped college to be, from the joy one gets strolling on a beautiful campus watching the eyes of every kind of person imaginable pass you by to the rush of knowing you’re far from home but in the middle of a new one all at the same time. I felt surrounded by love unimaginable, and while historically a surge of pride would take over me in such a moment, I couldn’t help but feel surreal humility. Who am I that the Lord should deliver me from such dark places I was in just a few months ago? Who am I that I might get to see the garden that I unknowingly planted? Who am I that I should have my feet set on a firm rock of success even though I feel I could have done so much more with my time?

Who am I to have developed my ethics – my sense of self and a newfound perspective – alongside making such meaningful friendships and earning a degree of which I’m so proud?

I know myself better than ever before. It’s like 8 year-old Anna came back – the young girl who was full of life, optimism, joy, stubbornness, drive, ambition, and happiness unimaginable. I feel again for the first time in so long that the world really is my oyster, and that dreaming big is not for the foolish. I’ve noticed lately how my room has more color to it and more pictures to fill my walls. My mind’s default is now stillness, and my soul’s disposition is refreshed. I wonder now what all of my moments of doubt were really for, or what all of my late night panics were really about. Who am I to question the Lord’s path for my life? I can’t think of a time He’s ever let me down.

All to say, I think too often we find ourselves in seasons of life where nothing feels right, nothing goes our way, and we have all this desire to do and create and make meaning of our circumstances, yet we are paralyzed. I’ve found that the paralysis I feel towards spending my time the way I would like to or pursuing my dreams is rooted in a deep fear of failure, a fear that I might regret diving all-in to my passions at the expense of something else I might feel the pressure to do (speaking of which, don’t let anyone pressure you into having the “college experience.” there’s no such thing, and it’s really different for everyone). I’ve come to gain the perspective that there is truly nothing I have to do. There is no right or wrong way for me to have done college. There is no decision that is inherently binding or limiting. There is no difficult or low or dark place I went to that wasn’t intricately tied to a season of redemption and growth.

Today, I walked around campus knowing good and well that nothing I’ve experienced in the last three years has been wasted. No decision has left me with only hurt or guilt or setback. Everything, by the grace of God, has truly worked out for my good. I know now without any doubt that the joy the Lord has given back to me is a joy I could not have known had I not walked through such valleys. College is such a beautiful time. In the midst of the late night studying and procrastination, the difficult professors and nagging bosses, the irritating roommate drama and relationship failures, the overconsumption of fast-food and lack of sleep, the hangovers that we think will finally teach us a lesson but alas never do, the depressing need to figure out what we ought to do with our lives and our days…none of this, I really think, could be counted as a wasted time.

Tomorrow, I will go to class, and I will thank my professor whom I love learning from so very much, and I will walk on North campus and sit on the lawn and listen to ABBA like I did when I was 18, and I’ll remember every moment where I felt as though all of my time had been lost, and I’ll remember that the God I serve is the redeemer of lost time. He alone has given me what college was always meant to give me: a grateful heart, a positive mind, an unwaveringly adventurous spirit, and a revitalized soul.

Suddenly, it wasn’t all too hard for me anymore. Suddenly, it all made sense.

I got it.

May you come to know that your life on earth is not meant to be chasing any kind of purpose or any one experience. May you come to know that everything you’ve seen, felt, done, and learned has brought you exactly where your Heavenly Creator wants you. May you know that no time is really wasted. May you cherish each moment whether presently or in fond memory, and may you trust that contentment is found in the midst of greater perspective, not greater accomplishments. May you know just how beautiful this life really is. May your wonder and awe for this creation – no matter what circumstance or hand you’ve been dealt – grow and be refined indefinitely. May whatever it is your soul might be looking for be yours to grasp tightly and therein find satisfaction.