The blog

Growing up, I watched countless movies about high school, college, dating, and romance. I remember being in middle school just dreaming about the day I would be walking around a college campus and meet “the one.” I endlessly thought about all my favorite rom-coms that made love look like the most beautiful thing in the world.

And, while I can attest to the fact that love is in fact the most beautiful thing in the world, I must warn you young ones – it is certainly not like the movies.

As a daughter of three generations of pastors, I grew up surrounded by a crowd of spiritual mentors and ministers. With that came a plethora of unsolicited advice, much of which includes dating advice.

I was always told to keep my standards high, to know my worth, guard my heart, never settle for behavior that is any less than the utmost respectable and honorable. I was told to walk into the world of love with a hedge of protection around my being, knowing that I deserve someone who will love me fully and unconditionally. Nevertheless, I find myself feeling what I never thought I’d feel again – gut-wrenching, stomach-turning, call-your-mom-at-midnight heartache.

You see, no amount of advice or movies depicting the “perfect way to fall in love” gave me some magical shield of protection against being hurt or mistreated. No matter how much you think about dating, it is almost impossible to avoid being disappointed to some capacity in your life.

Even if you decide to confidently walk away from a relationship, there is still the sharp pain you feel knowing that the person you love is not who you thought they were. I think too often we get our hearts broken by a version of someone we created in our head. The saying “what you see is what you get” has never been more true. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.

The nature of love is that it is always accompanied by grief. When you choose to love someone and insert yourself into their life, you are inevitably opening your heart up to the possibility of being hurt, mistreated, and disappointed. To love is to risk every bit of who you are. There is no way around this.

No wonder I was always told to be friends first to make good judgements before becoming romantic. You just have to be wary that your heart is the most vulnerable and sensitive when you decide to love someone fully. It’s part of the game.

The heart can sometimes have a mind of its own. The heart always hopes for the best. The heart sees the good in people always. The heart wants to give relentlessly and desires to be loved in return.

The problem is that the heart also knows no logic. It chooses to ignore someone’s repeated behaviors and patterns. It looks past all red flags and warning signs. It tries to convince you that if you just hang on a little big longer or give him your best speech or show him that you’re better than he thinks that one way or another it will get what it wants: love.

Last night, I was confronted with a reality that I never could have imagined I’d see. While I respect the person’s honesty, I can’t help but feel empty inside knowing that the person I thought I loved didn’t actually exist. My heart told me he was still there, but he wasn’t.

It took me months to accept this reality. Instead of choosing myself a long time ago, I chose to keep pressing in, hopeful for different results. All I got was heartbreak.

And, while there is a part of me that still wants to wait and clean slate everything and start over, I can’t help but wonder – surely there is someone else out there who would never do this to me. Surely, this cannot be the best it gets.

I now have to finally grieve the person I wanted to love. It seems as though I’ve gone through this before, so I should be better off this time, right? Well, when someone betrays your trust and defies the person you thought they were, it takes a whole new level of healing to overcome that kind of hurt.

After the crushing conversation last night, I was shocked to find myself not feeling angry or resentful or bitter. Yes, I was and am deeply wounded, but in the heat of the conversation, I was suddenly overcome with the presence of Jesus. I felt His forgiveness and mercy and love extend out of me without hesitation. While things had to be broken off, I felt a tremendous amount of freedom choosing to see him as God does – a son of the Most High, a valuable member of the Body of Christ, and a man forgiven.

I was also overwhelmed with the amount of love that was poured on me last night. My parents talked to me on the phone, reminding me that it’s going to be okay. My dear friend Emily came over to stay with me, and two of my roommates stayed up and hugged me while I cried. What good people to have in your corner.

Full frontal: I could hardly sleep last night. I kept waking up and throwing up. I haven’t been able to eat anything. I went on a run this morning to try and clear my head, and while it felt good to get outside, I still feel that pit in my stomach.

But, I know I serve a God who has already prepared a way for me. He has already given me everything I need for the season I am in. He has equipped me with strength to get through each day, confidence to know that I am worthy of good things, love that makes me whole, and grace that I can now extend to even those that have done me the most wrong.

There is no bitterness. Praise the Lord for such a gracious God who showed me how to forgive.

To love means to grieve, but it also means to be empowered. Love empowers you to want the best for people. It empowers you to pray and bless those who hurt you. It empowers you to be okay on your own. Love is the foundation on which we walk on to glory.

While my heart is broken, it is still full.

May undying gratitude be your portion. May you always turn your face to God, who looks at you in love. May you always choose a gracious response. May you dare to forgive. May you find that while love comes at a cost, nothing will compare to the love that we will one day all experience at the end of this life. May you trust that the way people treat you has nothing to do with you, but is a reflection of what they think of themselves. May compassion and mercy grow indefinitely in your heart. May you never grow afraid of loving. May your heart never be hardened but rather expanded with every harsh word and hurtful action. May you fix your eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

May you stay on the good path. From someone who is in the valley right now, I can testify that the path is still, without a shadow of a doubt, good.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

Colossians 3:12-16 NIV