The blog

If you’ve been following my blogs throughout the last few months, I’m sure you’ve picked up on the trend that my biggest struggle is letting go, whether that be expectations of myself, insecurities, the need to control my life (and sometimes others’), etc.

I hesitated to write this blog on the grounds that I’ve probably talked about this subject enough. We get it, you have to let go of control and fully trust God with your life.

Although it sounds like an easy thing (and it might be for some), for others (myself included) it is the most difficult thing imaginable. What I have learned recently, though, has been so freeing and fulfilling that I couldn’t help but share it with everyone else.

First, there are many problems with overriding God’s will by forcing your own:

You minimize your blessings by limiting your life to a mere human’s imagination. If we being evil can give could gifts to others, how much more can God give us? If God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-good, surely His plan for us beats our own by a long stretch.

You place your worth in things of this world, which I can confirm is an entirely inconsistent measure that is destined to fail you. Because I placed my worth in being deemed “exceptional” by the world – because I placed my value in my academic performances and accomplishments – it is no wonder that the only question I had pertaining to my relationship with God was “Is He proud of me?” On this note, I would like to point out that before Jesus’ ministry even began, before he had even accomplished anything, the Father looked at Him and said “This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17)

You quickly become egocentric. You become completely and entirely consumed with getting what you want rather than seeing all the working parts of God’s magnificent and incomprehensible plan (which you are a meaningful part of, by the way). You begin seeing your desires as the only source of true contentment, and when you don’t get what you want, you become resentful towards life and more dangerously towards God. It becomes a never-ending cycle of anger and stress trying to fit the round peg in the square hole. You will almost inevitably adopt the mindset that life is happening at you, like it’s some attack that keeps you in a constant state of defense.

I could probably include some more/expand on the fundamental issues that come with distrust and control, but I’d like to move on to what I’ve learned about letting go, and I hope you find some peace and encouragement from it.

I’ll start with a very recent, personal story.

Many know that I dated a guy for roughly one and a half years. It was truly a beautiful and amazing relationship. I learned so much about sacrifice, service, and the joy of falling in love. He was the most genuine and wonderful guy I’d ever known, so it came as a complete shock to me that I felt God calling me to leave the relationship.

Our breakup consisted of a back-and-forth between getting back together versus staying separate and growing as individuals. We wrestled with this issue for two months, never seeming to be on the same page. Despite how much I wanted to remain together, I couldn’t shake this deep-seated, gut feeling that we needed to experience life as singles.

Such important parts of my life included him: turning 18, graduating high school, transitioning to college, etc. Because he was such a constant throughout all these changes, it was terrifying trying to imagine doing life without him. The thought of it brought about all these fears and anxieties. I asked God to make it work, but He continued to respond with a gentle “Let go.”

I knew that I had to obey the Lord, and doing so meant trusting Him fully with my life despite all of the fear of the unknown. I knew that if I didn’t choose to let go when I felt called to, things could have played out much differently and more painfully than it already was.

I had to remind myself daily (and still do) that He is sovereign, He is good, and that He will not forsake me or him. I am confident in His abundant plan for our lives, even though I do not know what it is.

Here is what I have learned throughout this process now that we have officially ended things:

1. The unknown is the most beautiful place to be – when you are truly a sheep, and He gets to be your shepherd. My mind is no longer in control (and thank God for it). For the first time in my life, I actually believe deep down in my heart that God has a plan for me.
2. When you obey the Lord and lean into where He calls you, He will answer many of the questions you struggle with. The reality is that sometimes you have to let something go in order to make room for what God knows you need the most. Since I decided to listen to Him, He has begun answering all my soul’s most eager questions. He’s revealing to me who I am, what my purpose is, and how valuable I am. Last semester, I deeply struggled with depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts (another blog about this coming soon…) I had no idea who I was, and I was convinced that even God was disappointed in me. Now, I am walking in the freedom that I am a child of the Most High, that He alone determines my worth, and that He calls me “good.”
   • Also, through the process of coming more fully into myself, I have learned how important it is to be grounded in who you are before trying to foster a healthy relationship. How can I give myself in love and service to another if I only have half myself to give? You have to know your soul intimately before trying to let someone else get to know it as well. You must also have a firm understanding of your value and worth. If not, you will keep trying to find it in another person, which I’m sure we all know isn’t healthy.
3. I have learned to see the beauty and appreciate the little things in life without romanticizing the past. It is easy to glamorize everything, which can be a beneficial and fun thing (for me, I definitely romanticize my morning coffee and reading at the Founder’s Garden), but it is also easy to view the past through rose-tinted glasses. We have to guard our hearts so that we don’t cling to memories over values. Yes, memories are good and sweet to reflect on, but if we’re not careful, our trip down memory-lane can send us doubting and questioning our decisions. Of course, I think fondly back on my last relationship and miss it tremendously, but the sadness attached to the heartbreak can’t outweigh my convictions. Remember, your life should be led by values and convictions, not feelings.
4. I have learned that although your emotions do not dictate truth in your life, they do send signals and point you towards areas within yourself that need the most tending. I have learned that I crave the validation of others around me. Even when I act like I’m okay on my own, I still need people to acknowledge my presence and worth. I have realized this, because I have leaned into the emotions of people-pleasing, rejection, fear, and anxiety. I have listened intently to these emotions without letting them control me, and I have let them guide my inner-healing.
5. I have learned to take accountability for my own faith and devote myself to sanctification, not for the sake of pleasing others, but for the sake of pleasing God. Not only am I having to learn to be an adult and lay a foundation for my future, but I am also having to lay a foundation of faith that I will build my entire life on. This takes intentional work, and it’s something I didn’t know I needed to work on until now.

Most importantly, I am learning how precious life is, what a gift it is to explore God’s creation, what a blessing it is to sit outside, breathe fresh air, learn new things, meet new people, and love harder each day. I am learning to stop and smell the roses, and it’s all because I chose to trust and let go.

The following is one of my favorite poems. I think it’s rather fitting.

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Warning, by Jenny Joseph

Life is far too short not to trust the Lord, and it is far too precious to not explore as boldly and adventurously as possible.

May you listen to your convictions and follow them with boldness. May you learn to lean into your emotions and heal your soul. May you let God be the sole shepherd of your life. May you humble yourself before the Lord, so that He may raise you up. May you learn to see the beauty of this world and enjoy it to its fullest capacity. May you start to wear purple and wear your slippers in the rain. May you fall in love with life all over again.

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 14:26–27 ESV