The blog

Today is Valentine’s Day. Today is also Ash Wednesday – the beginning of the Lent season. When I moved to St. George’s Episcopal in the 6th grade, I began practicing Lent. Every year I fast, and it is my favorite season of the church calendar.

I am so thankful that Ash Wednesday fell on Valentine’s Day this year.

I’ve been going through a pretty tough breakup. It hasn’t been all that long, and there was no wrong-doing or maliciousness. It ended in the most beautiful way, which somehow makes the process more difficult to cope with, but nonetheless there are no hard feelings. There is peace and clarity knowing that God is directing each of our lives, and we are fully trusting in Him. There is an excitement knowing that better is on its way. There is a joy knowing that we care for one another. But, there is also a great heartache that comes when the plans and dreams you held onto for so long fall apart so unexpectedly and abruptly.

I was doing just fine, until last night. I went to bed knowing that the next day I would see girls walking around campus with flowers, guys dressed up to take their girlfriends out for dinner, Instagram and Snapchat posts of couples, love poems flooding my feed…It became all-consuming, and my heart began to hurt. All of a sudden, I lost sight of the hopeful plan God has for me, and all I could think about was the romance that I would be missing out on – the romance that I so greatly miss.

Today was really a hard day.

I did my best to get through with a positive attitude and to focus on my classes and not think about what could have been. I had plans with my small group this evening to attend an Ash Wednesday service, and there was just nothing in me that wanted to go. I couldn’t imagine giving something else up for fast when it feels like I’ve already lost such a big part of my life. And, I wasn’t in the mood to see my friends and pretend like I was okay.

But of course, I went, and I’m so glad I did. I picked up my friend Emily (who really is such a gem), drove to the Botanical Garden, and was reminded during a beautiful service how much God deserves my attention in this season. I softened my heart, received the ash cross on my forehead, and felt the strength that I need to get through this fast rise up within me.

Even when you know a breakup is for the best, it’s still very easy to battle bitterness, resentment, and anger. Why me? Why can’t it just be like this? Why can’t he just be like that? Why why why why why????

I pray that during this season of Lent, I not only fast a tangible thing, but I also fast some emotional things. When I turn to God in my prayers, all I keep hearing is

Let go, let go, let go…

Letting go of those gripping emotions can be hard, even when you know they’re not fruitful or of the Holy Spirit. It feels like those emotions are the last thing that’s connecting you to that person, and if you let go, you’ll let go of them too. But a plant that’s being choked by weeds can’t grow. You have to let go. You just have to.

So, while I caught a glimmer of hope in that church service, and I surrounded myself at dinner afterward with the best people, I still couldn’t help but feel this unwavering sadness. This has got to be the worst time of the year to deal with this.

I got back to my dorm and walked to my room, my head hanging low, my eyes tired and wanting nothing but to sleep. As I opened the door to my room, I see a beautiful red rose neatly placed on my desk. I know that it wasn’t sent from someone personally. It was delivered by Brumby to everyone, but I couldn’t help but cry. It felt so personal. It felt real and genuine and loving. It reminded me that this is a beautiful day, even for the heartbroken. More than that, it registered to me a symbol of God’s love, the only love that can truly satisfy and fill me. It was a reminder of His promise to me, that He will never leave me or forsake me, and that the pain I feel does not compare to what is to come. It was a sign of hope.

I’m learning that healing is not linear. Today was an emotional struggle, but hey! i got through it! And I know that whatever plans and dreams I had and am now grieving do not pale in comparison to what the Father has in store.

I am thankful today, because I am surrounded by people who really do have my back. I have friends and family who love me, the privilege of learning new things everyday, and the strength of Christ empowering me.

To a blessed season, a blessed year, and a blessed future to come.

May you remember that healing takes time, and that everyday can look different, and that is okay. May you see the beauty in heartache and let go of bitterness. May you continue to always seek, for you know that you will find. May you always ask, for you know that you will be answered. May you also knock, for you know that the door will be opened. May your red rose come to you, and may you immediately see the hope that it represents. May you let go and trust more deeply than before.