The blog

Do you ever feel like you’re just not yourself? You say and do and think things and then look back and go that sounded nothing like me or man I really feel like I’m on autopilot mode right now.

Well, that’s been me for the last month or so. I feel like since coming to college, I’ve been on this weird spiral moving to and from who I am. Am I the fun, party girl? Am I the cool, nonchalant, chill girl? Am I the high-strung, OCD, perfectionist? Am I the go-with-the-flow, whatever happens happens, never-stresses-about-anything girl?

I feel like I’m surrounded by people who are so concrete and secure in who they are. It feels like this is just a me problem. Surely, it can’t be.

In the last 2-4 weeks, I’ve been unable to sleep. Whenever I’m alone in bed, I stay up crying and worrying about, well, everything. I know my thoughts are so irrational, but they feel so real. Everything in my life feels chaotic and out of control, and at the same time I’m trying to reconnect back to who I am.

I know that to find you who are, you must find your way back to God. I know that my night time anxiety spells would be much less frequent if I spent more time praying and reading the Word. I know all of these things, alright? But can we just be honest for a second?

Sometimes, it’s hard to pray when you feel like God isn’t in the room with you. It’s hard to pick up your Bible when you’re scared of what it might say. Yes, the Word is comforting, but it is also confrontational. Sometimes, I want my plan to play out rather than God’s will. That’s just a normal tendency we humans have, and I feel like the Christian community should talk about that struggle more.

I’ve learned that there is a difference between trust and contentment. Trusting God does not mean you have to like His plan. Trusting God means that you know He has your back and that your steps are ordered. Contentment, however, means that you’ve relinquished your ideals and let His will become your desire. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the hard part.

How do I give up what I thought was meant for me? How do I release my hands and let go of the life I thought I was going to have?

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Unless you open up to people about your struggles, you will never get better. And don’t just find one person to talk to. Go grab your people, your tribe, your community. It takes a village.
2. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. When you feel the anxious thoughts creep in, and they tell you that you are not good enough, speak against it out loud in the name of Jesus.
3. If you can’t explain to someone why you’re anxious or depressed, it’s because your feelings are not rooted in reality. That is the key sign it is the enemy trying to get to you.
4. Humility is the first step to hear God’s voice. Gratitude is the first step to feel his presence.
5. There is no such thing as “failing at life.” You are part of His glorious Kingdom. You can’t fail at being a child of God.
6. The world does not hang on your mistakes, short-comings, or regrets.
7. You are allowed to not be perfect, you are allowed to cry and feel weak, and you are allowed to choose rest over productivity.
8. Nothing is wrong with you.
9. Christmas is the best time of the year.
10. Sometimes, you literally just need a good nap and some food.

Life is meant to ebb and flow. Seasons change, and that’s where the growing happens. You are not meant to always be okay, happy, excited, and overjoyed. There are times when you are just sad, confused, maybe a little lonely, and scared. I tend to feel guilty when I’m not at 100%. I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

My dear, there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing abnormal about being human.

This has been my favorite quote recently:

“And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got to wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a hot shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so damn personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someone’s crooked eyebrows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what she’ll say when she finds out. You’ve got to stop stressing about why he left you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.”

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May you learn the beautiful practice of self awareness and growth. May you look in the mirror and love what you see. May you lean into the Father’s plan for your life, not just trusting that it is good, but being fully content with it. May you let go of the unimportant things that keep you up at night. May you put on the armor of God and find His peace. May you live boldly, love fiercely, and grow endlessly. May you find your spark again.