The blog

I have always struggled with pride.

From a young age, I have followed my pride wherever it went. This meant that I felt the need to look my best, act my best, and always have it ” put together.” It meant I never needed help (not true), I succeeded easily at everything I attempted (also not true), and that if anyone knew I was struggling, they would weaponize that weak moment against me (ridiculously untrue).

Of course, I can’t talk about this without some kind of reference to the Enneagram study. I am a type 8 (the Challenger), and I deeply struggle with vulnerability, as I associate it with weakness. I tend to always be distrusting of people and their motives.

I have slowly realized that until I vocalize my struggles and feelings, the enemy will always have power over me. I used to think that if I ever voiced my issues, not only will people view me as less than, but I would also give power to my struggles.

How untrue this is! The enemy wants us to keep things inside, to let it bottle up and boil until we just can’t keep going. The problem is that you act and live out of what you are feeling and experiencing. For me, I’ve recently felt alone and isolated and helpless, and this deeply affected my relationships with people. I became cold and distant, and I expected them to love me through my problems without ever knowing what I was going through. This logically doesn’t make any sense, and it’s also a miserable way to live. I realized this weekend that we seriously cannot go through life alone.

You need Jesus, you need friends and family, you need the church and a support group.

Too often, we forget that Jesus surrounded himself with 12 good friends. Yes, they were followers and disciples, but they were also there to help him fund his ministry, dine with him, and encourage him.

We all just need encouragement sometimes.

I love the Hebrew scripture that talks about this. It says,

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Hebrews 3:13 NIV

Lately, I have kept a lot of my confidence issues to myself. I never really struggled with low self-esteem until this summer (right before college! perfect timing!), and my refusal to seek help sent me down a terrible spiral. I believed myself to be a waste of space, a burden, an annoyance to others, a person of no value, and too far gone to be loved again.

When the enemy gets a foot in the door, he will slowly invite himself in if you do not lock him out immediately. In other words, you will allow the enemy to come into your home (your mind) and tell you what to believe about yourself if you do not open up about your struggles.

I have a hard time articulating myself in conversations, so I journal (and blog). I wrote down how I’ve been feeling, and I let Jasper read it this past Monday. A quick synopsis: I have simply felt unloveable. I really disliked myself.

But what happened afterwards is incredible…after finally opening up to someone about this, I felt this weight instantly come off my shoulders and chest. My heart felt lighter. I felt energized. I felt seen and heard and loved by the Father and by those around me.

I cried to Jasper out of embarrassment and disappointment, but he simply reminded me of who I am in Christ. He encouraged me. He was just there for me.

My prayer shifted from “God, show others how to love me out of this” and instead prayed “God, help me position myself to a place where I can receive the love that is already being given to me.”

Similar words, but MAJOR DIFFERENCE! Instead of making my struggles somebody else’s problem to fix, I took responsibility for myself and surrendered my fears to God. I asked him to make ME fit to see and receive what He has already given me.

Don’t you know that blessings are already laid out before you? God will never stop giving to you. It is up to you to believe and receive.

Have you ever heard the lie “No one actually likes you. You’re annoying everyone right now. People are judging you. You don’t deserve good things. You’re too much for people. You’re not pretty or smart or funny enough. Nobody needs you…”

If you are struggling with these thoughts, I promise it is normal, and you are not alone. Especially to every college student reading this, you are in a completely new environment. Your world is so shaken up right now, I know. The enemy sees this vulnerability as an opportunity. Do not let the enemy come inside your mind and try to tell you who you are.

Do you have a hard time opening up? Do you feel like you are too much for your friends, family, or even God? If you feel as though your friends will judge you for how you are feeling, then you either need to talk to them or get new friends.

Remember, pride is the BIGGEST hindrance to all relationships. It will make you competitive, isolated, and defenseless.

Start opening up to those around you. If you’re scared to, start by writing it down in a journal and read it out loud to yourself. Give your struggles a name, speak it, and watch as God takes the heaviness off your shoulders.

I am praying that all of you find joy and rest and freedom in your relationships. May you recognize that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

May you realize how valuable, special, needed, and wanted you are. May you speak of yourself in a manner that glorifies the Father. After all, you are His creation.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

Have a wonderful week! You are doing so great, and I am so proud of you.