The blog

Something I can’t stop thinking about is, well, myself.

I’ll admit. I’ve become (or maybe have always been) entirely self-absorbed.

I’m not proud to say that, but I don’t think I’m merely speaking for myself here. Let’s be honest: all of us are a little self-absorbed to come capacity.

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is look at myself in the mirror. I wonder if I’ll look good today or not, I think to myself. Dammit, another pimple. Am I going to have a bad hair day? God I hope I don’t look bloated. Should I drink less coffee? I read it can make you age faster. Maybe I should go to Target and get that hair mask that one girl on Instagram used. She was so pretty...

At some point, after all these circulating and distracting thoughts, I finally find myself giving about 5, maybe 10-ish minutes to read some of the Word, thank the Lord for another beautiful morning He made, and check my to-do list for the day. I express a little bit of gratitude and just maybe might even feel a little bit of contentment.

Then, once my intentional “morning time with the Lord” is over, I go right back to it.

Maybe I should do a full-body workout today. Oh! Wait! Maybe I’ll go on a run this evening. I don’t want to gain too much weight, especially while I’m young and in college.

I need to pay attention in class. Should I go out more? I don’t think my style is up-to-date. I need to go shopping. I don’t want to spend any more money though. But, an improved wardrobe might make me more attractive!

Once my skin clears up I’ll be so much happier. I won’t have to think about my appearance as much, and I’ll be way more productive!

I mean damn, and that’s not even scratching the surface of what goes on in my mind every day now. So many racing thoughts, and all of them are about me and how I look. What a sad, superficial reality I’ve created for myself. Oh, and I know for certain I can’t be the only one.

I can’t help but think about how I’ve never looked at my mother and thought, “I wish she had spent more time getting ready today.” Aside from the fact that she is so beautiful, her presence, humor, and kindness is what I have and will always remember about her.

My Nan is one of the most beautiful women I know, and I’ve never once looked at her and thought, “She should have bought that hair mask I saw that one influencer use.” She’s always been beautiful, but not just because of her stunning appearance. She has a grace about her and warming presence that no person near her can deny.

Is it safe to assume that these constant thoughts I have regarding my appearance are entirely self-induced? Would it be logical to conclude that my obsession with my looks is a pressure that no one else other than me puts on myself?

And to that end, whenever I’ve had a judgmental thought about someone else’s appearance, it’s usually just a projection of my fear that someone else might be thinking that about me. It’s also usually towards someone my age – someone I likely feel threatened by or comparatively less than.

Our brains are wired to protect itself. We judge others for the same things we are afraid of being criticized for. Our brains make us feel safe by projecting our insecurities onto other people first so that we never have to face any potential judgement from them. It’s like a they can’t hurt me if they’re less than me kind of mentality (subconscious, but true).

I can’t help but wonder, would these thoughts be as big of an issue as they are if social media didn’t exist? While I can attest to the negative consequences of overly consuming social media (comparison traps, negativity, fear-mongering, etc.), I find it hard to believe that people haven’t been comparing and judging themselves since the earliest years of civilization. From the time we are little, we are always playing the comparison game.

When I was in Pre-K, I remember getting a Barbie Doll Dream House for Christmas. It was perfect to me. It was hot pink AND it had an elevator. Nothing could top this perfect doll house.

I went back to Pre-K after Christmas break and shared with my 4-year-old classmates how excited I was about my perfect Barbie Doll Dream House, and my dear friend at the time informed me that she already had that house and got an entire new wardrobe for all her Barbie dolls (she had twice as many dolls as I did). Suddenly, I no longer felt as good about my Christmas gift. My perfect, hot pink, elevator-installed Barbie Doll Dream House suddenly lost its value – not on the basis of what it was actually worth to me but on the basis of comparison.

When suddenly I realized that I didn’t actually have it all, my contentment began to subside. Despite how overjoyed I was on that Christmas morning, discovering that there was more or better out there stole all of the joy from me.

And to think that this kind of thinking starts as early as 4 years of age! There must be something in our human nature that is so deeply afraid of judgement, failure, losing or simply not being the best. It’s like we’re hard-wired to never be satisfied.

I wonder now why Jesus so often emphasized how nothing in this world could ever truly fill you other than Himself.

³⁵ Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

John 6:35 NIV

⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.

Matthew 5:6 NIV

14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4:14

I’ve convinced myself that the problem with my self-absorption and my need to always be perfect is a byproduct of the digital era and the constant influx of information from social media. I’ve just concluded that I’m lacking in self-confidence, and the moment I eventually look “good enough,” all my problems will go away.

I am beginning to think that my obsession with my appearance is not from lacking confidence in myself but rather from lacking security in the Father.

Perhaps I’m just drinking from the wrong well.

Maybe I’m thirsting for the wrong things.

Possibly, I’m eating a gourmet of the world’s finest foods and ignoring the Bread of Life on the table.

Jesus tells us in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing”

“…remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit.”

I’m going to start an experiment.

I’m going to do everything in my power – more prayer, more worship, more time in the Word, more time thanking God, more time rebuking the enemy and his lies – to remain in the good soil that is Jesus.

And, I hypothesize that if I continue to remain in the Heavenly Father Himself, I will wake up each morning, look in the mirror, and have more love towards myself, more joy about who I am and my life, more patience, kindness, and gentleness towards myself. I hypothesize that I will be more good and faithful to myself, and I will learn to exhibit a godly self-control over my thoughts and my opinions regarding who I am (a child of the Most High).

I’ll get back to you with the results.

I encourage anyone reading to take a little time to self-reflect on what goes on in your mind on the daily. What are your first thoughts upon waking? What’s that one scenario or recent fixation that consumes your waking days? What’s the last thing you think about before you go to bed?

Are you bearing any fruit?

As for me, I know that I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of not feeling content with who I am. I’m tired of wasting money on skincare and makeup I don’t need. I’m tired of staring at Pinterest boards and Instagram profiles trying to figure out how to look like anything but myself. I’m tired of letting the enemy steal my joy. I’m tired of being superficial. I want people to remember me for my kindness, warmth, and grace, not how “perfect” I might be.

I’m desperate for more of what I know will truly satisfy me – Christ Jesus Himself, the “true vine.”

Intentional time with the Lord is so good, but 5 minutes in the morning will not suffice. We are called to walk with the Lord and do life with Him! Not just acknowledge Him at our convenience. Invite God into every part of your life. Seriously. Thank God whenever a stranger smiles at you on the street or lets you have their parking spot. Ask God for patience whenever the cashier is being rude. Give God your worries over that test or that meeting. Commune with Him daily, constantly, and about everything.

Remain. In. Him.

I wonder how this little experiment of mine will go. I have a feeling I already know the results.

If you are constantly feeling discontent with your life and yourself, if you are endlessly striving to reach some level of “perfection” or “good enough,” if you are exhausted with the indefinite cycle of comparison and envy, ask yourself, “am I drinking from the right well?”

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:12-13 NIV

May your eyes see all that is good and all that is God. May your ears hear His gentle voice that beckons you to come to Him, abide in Him, and remain in Him. May your face be turned towards the Lord so that you may feel His favor shining on you. May your heart be inclined to want what the Father wants. May your mind be submitted to His authority so that His thoughts might become your thoughts. May you thirst for His righteousness and therein find satisfaction. May you be filled with all the contentment that God has for you.