The blog

I haven’t posted all semester long, so there’s quite a bit to catch up on. Today is reading day, and as I was walking to campus to cram in a few hours of studying, I was hit with that instinctive feeling that my mind would be best cleared by jotting down some of my thoughts.

I suppose this blog is more of a life-update than anything else, but I want to include the main take-aways this semester has given me, along with some recent thoughts I find worth sharing.

Well for starters, I am wrapping up my first semester in organic chemistry. To be candor, I must admit it is one of the most tormenting subjects a person could possibly attempt to study. Daily I must gaslight myself into thinking that I find it interesting or easy to grasp. No, the lies must stop here. That class can suck it.

I started going to therapy again, but this time I actually tried making the most of it. I was finally honest and open about some of my struggles, and I must say that despite my extreme opposition to counseling and vulnerability, there is no doubt that I have found much healing in this process. I’ve learned that there is nothing shameful or embarrassing about needing to talk to someone about what’s going on inside you. In fact, it might be just what you need to finally have some emotional and mental breakthroughs. I’ll be honest, since last fall, I’ve dealt with some pretty intense mental obstacles. But, since learning to open up and seek encouragement, I have finally grasped the one thing I needed most: hope.

I completed a two-month long final project worth 25% of my grade in 6 hours, and no, that was not intentional. I have no idea how I could let something so important nearly slip out from underneath me, but more than that I cannot fathom how I finished the project in its entirety and received an A. I will forever be chasing that kind of mental focus and determination for the rest of my academic career. That might have been my peak.

I opened up to new friendships and learned to let go of some as well. I learned to be okay with my friend groups shifting and changing. Remember, the Lord orchestrates who is in your life and who is out. Trust who He places in front of you, and know that it is always for the good.

Other than that, not much has gone on. Classes are good. I got one final left to take and then I’m home for the summer. God, I can’t wait. Nothing is better than being home.

Anyways. What I really wanted to share were some thoughts I have on growth. Growing up, I always associated growth with failure. It was said to me repeatedly that you either succeed in something or you learn and grow. The idea was to replace failure (say, making a bad grade, messing up a piano performance, not playing well in a game, not getting into your dream school, etc) with an opportunity to learn and grow. While there’s nothing wrong about this mindset, it limits what the idea of growth actually means. In this point of view, growth is only seen as the acquirement of confidence and skills upon failing or falling short rather than an internal or spiritual transformation upon hurt. Here’s what I mean:

Hardship and adversity take many forms. Sometimes, it’s academic or career-oriented – didn’t get into medical school, didn’t pass the test, didn’t land that job, etc. Sometimes, it’s physical – didn’t run as fast as I’d like, didn’t place in that race, didn’t make the team, and so on. Sometimes, however, it’s spiritual. Actually, most of the time it is spiritual. In my opinion, I believe we miss out on so many opportunities to grow, because we are not necessarily viewing hardship the right way.

What kind of hardship is it when you go through a break-up or divorce? What about losing a loved one? What about being wronged by someone or wronging someone else? What kind of hardship is it when you experience something traumatic or intense? What happens when that person never apologizes to you? What about when someone has repeatedly taken advantage of your kindness and left you hurting? What about when a friend walks out of your life? Are you supposed to view those things as failures? Are you supposed to somehow acquire a set of skills after something like this happens?

Like I said, I started going to therapy this year and realized that I was harboring a lot of anger and resentment for things that had happened to me and around me. I also realized that by virtue of avoiding my emotions, I was making it more and more difficult for me to be the kind, gracious, understanding, and strong person for others that I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve now formulated the belief that the only way for me to grow as a person – to become more patient, empathetic, generous, and more like Christ- I must encounter some level of emotional hardship. Growth does not just refer to a new set of skills like learning how to work harder or play better or study more efficiently. Growth means that you take whatever hurt you’ve experienced, no matter how difficult or underserving it may have been, and choose to let it transform you into a better person than you were yesterday.

I’ve found myself asking the dreadful and entitled question of “Why me?” Why did I have to experience that? Why was it easier for this person but not for me? Why couldn’t have things been different for me?

I won’t address the reason why these questions walk the line of entitlement, but I will say that there are far better questions to ask. Instead of “Why me,” ask yourself, “How is this shaping me for the better?”

And trust me, I know it’s not easy, but it’s right. It’s absolutely necessary and undoubtedly the most important part of growth. The most beautiful people I know are those who never let the harsh treatment of this world turn them bitter or cold but rather made them more “gentle and humble at heart” (Matt. 11:29). So, all that said, make sure you’re tuning in to what’s going on inside you. Listen to it carefully, and let it transform you. Don’t let it keep you stuck, cold, bitter, or angry. Those hardships are meant to produce good fruit. Don’t miss out on it. Your happiness, peace, and relationships will thank you.

All right, enough word vomit. Here’s some semester take-aways to conclude this post:

1. If you can get a commuter meal plan, for the love of God do it. I have missed it so much.
2. Focus and work hard, but don’t make academics your only thing. You’re more than a student. You’re more than your grades. The pressure doesn’t have to be “on” all the time. Go hang out with friends and do something for you, GUILT FREE.
3. Call your parents to ask how they’re doing, not just to vent.
4. A consistent sleep schedule is actually really important guys I cannot express this enough.
5. Talking negatively about others and yourself is not making you a better person by any means.
6. Spend more time outside.
7. Pray as often as you possibly can.
8. Quit trying to perfect your life. No one is perfect. Social media is so fake. Enjoy where you’re at.
9. For every complaint you make, you owe the world 3 statements of gratitude.
10. Say “sorry” quickly and sincerely. Choose your relationships over being right.
11. Go see Revenge of the Sith in theaters while it’s out.

May you learn to open up about whatever you’ve been keeping inside. May you trust that God wants to give you fruitful and encouraging relationships. May you understand that not all pain is bad, that there is purpose in hurt, and that everything is designed to transform us, not scar us. May you allow God to work through you and in you, whether you are in the valley or on the mountain. May you learn to administer to others and yourself the same grace that the Heavenly Father freely gives us. May you grow from every kind of hardship you face.

Happy Summer!

p.s. I will be receiving all sorts of prayers for this upcoming chemistry exam. They are very much needed.