The blog

I would seriously pay so much money to watch an edited documentary of my life for the last year. The ups and downs, highs and lows, mistakes and accomplishments, blessings and heartbreak and all the in-between I’ve experienced just amaze me.

About 3 weeks ago, I finally got to a place in my life where I felt light again. I felt free and totally at peace. “I trust God,” I would tell myself daily. All was well.

This past week, a lot of heavy feelings resurfaced and took a toll on me. Feelings of shame and depression, feelings that gripped me so tightly that I couldn’t eat and whenever I did, I would try to throw it up out of guilt. Feelings that told me I wasn’t good enough for God, that I was somehow failing, and that everyone in my life was disappointed in me at some level or another.

I know that turning to God is the right response in every situation, but this week I’ve just been afraid to turn to Him. I felt ashamed that I stopped trusting in His plan. I felt embarrassed to return to Him a struggle that I thought I was healed from.

I also avoided God on the basis that I didn’t want to hear his opinion and guidance in fear that it might not align with what I wanted in the moment. I kept idolizing my freedom and believing the enemy when he told me, “God is tired of dealing with you and this situation. Don’t bother Him anymore.”

Anyone who knows me well can testify to the fact that I hate admitting I need help. I want Anna Takle to be able to solve all her problems without ever appearing weary or tired. Unfortunately, that mindset goes against the grain of the human condition. We are simply not wired to be perfect, to always be okay, to be fully independent, and to never need help. We are designed to be part of a unified body that uplifts one another in Truth and in Spirit.

All to say, I spent the last year really only talking to one person in my life about my issues. I was comfortable sharing with this specific person only and nobody else. The result was that this one person bore the weight of all my issues, and much of my healing rested in how this person responded or reacted to me. This is incredibly unhealthy for both parties.

Today, I started opening up to a trusted mentor and sought out counseling. Today, I learned that there is so much freedom and power in asking for help, admitting you’re not okay, and letting others pray over you/remind you of who you are. Today, I was encouraged to live differently.

I know I love God, I know I believe in him, and I know that He has my back, but I also know that I often read my Bible out of discipline and not enjoyment, that I don’t fully trust Him with my whole life at times, and that I am often scared to approach His throne, because I sometimes believe He desires perfection (when He really just desires presence.)

As I was walking to my second class today, Micah 6:8 popped into my mind.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8 NIV

What does the Lord require of me? “…to walk humbly with your God.”

To walk.

Not to freeze and wait for Him to give you what you want.

Not to pray that He will end all your hardships and hurt.

Not to go to church and read a Bible chapter a day and then live how you want.

He says to walk with Him.

To live in step with Him.

To do life with Him.

To acknowledge that He is with you in the midst of your struggles and hardships. To lean on Him in every circumstance. To let Him fight your battles when you can’t. To confide in Him in every situation. To let all your words and actions and deeds be in accordance with His will.

God does not require that we are perfect, sinless, or even consistent. He requires us to seek goodness, to love His character, and to partner with Him in our lives.

I realized today that I got the first two parts down. I can say of myself that I seek what is good, that I love the character and mercy of God, but I can’t confidently say that I walk with God, at least not intentionally.

The JSP version of that verse says “And to walk modestly with your God.”

The word modest comes from the Latin word modestus, which means “keeping due measure.”

In other words, it means “the correct amount of attention and effort.”

Are you giving God the correct amount of attention and effort?

Are you withholding parts of your life from the one who made and ordered it?

Is your relationship with God one-sided? Is he adequately involved in your life?

Just some thoughts.

I pray that whatever stronghold you have in your life, whatever dark fears and secrets you keep, whatever binds you and grips your thoughts, I pray that you find freedom knowing that God is waiting for you to walk with Him. God’s face has yet to turn away. I pray that God strengthens you to keep in due measure with him. I pray that you know that there is always hope, always goodness, always a prosperous and better plan. I pray you find the courage to share your heart and struggles and find healing. I pray you know that just because something is difficult doesn’t make it wrong. I pray you listen to your convictions and the Holy Spirit that guides you. I pray you know that you are never alone.

I pray that you seek justice, that you love mercy, and that you walk humbly and peacefully with your loving Father.

With what shall I come before the Lord
    and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
    with calves a year old?
⁷ Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
    with ten thousand rivers of olive oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
    the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
⁸ He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:6-8 NIV

There is joy in the house of the Lord. There is freedom in the house of the Lord, and there is healing in the house of the Lord.