The blog

Let’s talk about the realities of growth.

If you don’t know by now, everyone should be intentional about growing – growing into a better person, daughter, mother, sister, student, follower of Christ, friend, etc. One of our natural responsibilities in life is to be on the pathway to always bettering ourselves. We are not called to be perfect, but we are called to grow into the likeness of God, transforming in ever-increasing glory.

But, growth is not a linear process as I once thought. Healing (which is a form of growth) is not a perfect upward trajectory. It comes with highs and lows. As time progresses, you may feel as though you are moving on from something or someone, but how would you feel if you ran into that person, or saw the street you had that fight with your friend, or got another bad grade? Did you heal or just let time numb you out? Do you find yourself trying to grow and move forward in life but continuing to fall back into those hurtful emotions and fears?

The harsh nature of growth is that you will relapse. And, while it may not seem intuitive, relapsing back into negative patterns of behavior or resurfacing past feelings does not mean that you are not healing. It’s all part of the growing process.

As I reflect on this past year, I feel a tremendous amount of embarrassment for what feels like my lack of growth. “I was fine back in May. I made peace with it back in June. Why am I suddenly not okay with it again?”

I’ve wrestled with this question all week long. Feelings of heartbreak, sadness, and unworthiness have resurfaced and marred my mind. This week, I’ve initiated conversations that should never have been started. I’ve let my thoughts spiral and win over my reality. I’ve said words that certainly should have remained unsaid. I’ve done the very thing I swore I would never do again. I thought I was growing and maturing, becoming more independent and stable on my own, letting go of the one thing that I need to relinquish.

Yet again, I find myself repeating old patterns of behavior.

This morning I woke up with a gut-wrenching “What on earth did I just do?” To contextualize a bit, I sent a text that should not have been sent to a person that did not need to see it about something that did not need to be talked about. And, I had so many opportunities to be much more dignified and respectable, but I continued to let my emotions spew out of me in the worst way possible. Talk about making a fool of myself.

And then of course the resounding fear that I’ve completely offset what was starting out as a great semester. I’ve been working out, eating healthy, staying on top of school, socializing, trying new things, spending lots of time with Jesus, moving on from the past…BUT ALAS, I have relapsed.

My thoughts this morning range from “It was just a moment” to “What does this person think of me now?” to “I’ve completely ruined and complicated everything” to “All things can teach you a lesson, and this time I’ve learned to chill the f*** out.”

While it took a severe level of humiliation to come to this conclusion, I can say with confidence that there is nothing more certain than your ability to choose yourself. You should never rely on whether someone else chooses you to determine how worthy you think you are. You are worthy, because He says your worthy. And, there is nothing attractive about begging for someone’s time and attention. Take what they give you, walk away, and keep choosing yourself.

While last night I had a temporary lapse in judgement and the painful feelings of past hurt, I don’t feel as though I’ve stunted my growth or healing. When I think back to who I was this past February, for instance, I see that my strength and self-respect has grown exponentially. My independence is almost fully restored. I’m much more forgiving than I once was. Although I definitely need to make amends for my momentary immaturity, I have peace knowing that I am not where I was months ago. I’ve still grown, despite the relapse.

You are not going to be perfect. You can have the best intentions in the world, but you will still make mistakes. Your emotions will win sometimes. Your immaturities will sometimes lead conversations when God’s wisdom should instead. You will relapse, but you are still growing.

That’s life. That’s one of the beauties of it – you get to experience love and grief, embarrassment and recovery, laughter and tears, joy and sorrows, pain and growth. All of it sums up to a beautifully designed life that is intricately tended to by the Father Himself.

So, as you age and experience more life, keep trying to learn and better yourself, but have grace when you falter. Say sorry when it is due. Make amends at the expense of your pride. Let go of the need to control, and dismantle the idea that your healing must be perfectly linear. Open your heart and mind to new possibilities. Take people as they present themselves. Don’t cling to potential. Accept your reality, and let God do His work in your life. Let His will reign. Keep choosing yourself.

And, never send a text on a Friday night after 10pm. Trust.

May you let the long history of your growth define your success rather than temporary moments of relapse. May you see the joy in the growing pains as you heal from the past. May you grow in maturity, wisdom, and grace as you move forward in your relationships. May you say sorry with sincerity and humbly ask for forgiveness. May you learn to look at yourself in the mirror and truly know that you are a whole person, needing only the Father. May you choose yourself even when you are desperate for someone else. May you learn to be content with the reality of your circumstances, and seek God in all things.

And, may you let those excruciatingly embarrassing moments roll off your shoulders with ease.