The blog

Finally, I’m home after a long spring semester. My freshman year of college is complete, and I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it.

So much has happened in the last 8 months that I don’t even know where to start. It’s safe to say that I have learned a tremendous amount of valuable life lessons and grown up a little. However, despite the personal growth I believe I have accomplished, I still find myself looking back on freshman year with a resounding (pardon my french) “what the actual f*** just happened?”

Tuesday evening, I took my chemistry final exam (God bless), and I walked back up to Brumby Hall for the very last time to collect my remaining belongings and check-out. As I was leaving my dorm for good, all I could think about was how much time I had spent trying to figure everything out – life, relationships, adulting, college, growing up, making good choices, etc. – that I missed a good portion of the actual experience itself. On top of which, I didn’t figure anything out. Truth is, I don’t think we ever actually figure out the secrets of life or the perfect way to live. And, the more we try to get all the answers, the more life we miss out on. If I had to go back and redo the last year, I certainly would spend much more time savoring each moment rather than analyzing it.

I realized that I spent so much time planning what’s next that I forgot I was living out 16-year-old Anna’s dreams. I spent so much time stressing about getting all my ducks in a row that I forgot about having fun entirely. I put too much emphasis on achieving the “perfect” first year of college that I had no grace with myself when I would make mistakes. Take it from a recovering perfectionist, the only way to truly overcome the fear of failure is to administer to yourself the same grace God gives you. The same way you should love a person and not the idea of them, you should love your life as it is, not the glorified idea of it.

I learned that people are incredible. I remember being so hurt in high school over failed friendships and relationships that I couldn’t wait to get to college and branch out. For any incoming freshman, please note this: meaningful friendships take a considerable time to develop. Sure, I always had people to hang out with last semester, but it wasn’t until the turn of the new year that I really felt like I had made close friends. I had moments of doubt feeling so behind in the social department. I felt like everyone around me had found their people, and I was just the runt of the group trying to catch up. I doubted whether I was a likable person, and it really got to my head for a couple months. But, when I stopped worrying about being liked and just enjoyed whoever was around me, my friend groups naturally started to solidify. I found myself so surprised that I had found people who checked up on me, invited me places, and who genuinely cared for me. I realized that I had this faulty idea about all people and just assumed that most were selfish. I’m not sure where this belief came about, but the important thing is that I can testify to its falsehood. Humanity, although not perfect, is selfless, kind, and wonderful. There are so many good people out there that I am so blessed to have met.

*side note: I met the most amazing people and some of my best friends through my small group at Athens Church. To anyone in Athens, I highly recommend getting involved.*

I learned that the best academic motivator is to ask yourself the question “How can I contribute to society?” I learned that even though I’m not entirely sure what I want to do with my career, I have a lot to offer to this world, and society deserves my best effort. I learned that it’s easy to slack off and not care about school when all you’re concerned about is what you want to get out of life versus how you can contribute to those around you. It was easy for me to push through some of my harder classes this semester when my thoughts shifted from “Do I really want to be a doctor?” to “The world needs more physicians, and I want to help the world.” Remember, though, that there is nobility in every profession. “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might…” (Ecclesiastes 9:10 NIV)

I learned that being in your near 20’s means oscillating between seasons of pilates, consistent sleep, made beds, and healthy eating to seasons of staying out too late on Fridays, drinking entirely too much coffee, and never changing out of your sweatpants. I realized that I lived on these two extremes when I was under severe stress. Once I learned to let go, have more grace with myself, and just enjoy life, I started finding a good medium between these two seasons. I started having weeks where I was hydrated, energized, working out everyday, yet I still found myself at Cookout at 3:00am, and I felt no guilt about it. All to say, find your happy medium. Get a solid routine, but allow for flexibility. In other words, stay disciplined and be good to yourself, but make room for adventures and fun.

I learned to take risks and step out of my comfort zone. I started this blog, even though I was terrified of what people might think. I started leading a group of 9th grade girls at Athens Church, even though I feel totally inadequate sometimes. I stopped taking piano lessons this semester to focus on school, even though doing so made me feel like a failure. I walked away from a relationship, even though I didn’t feel ready (and still don’t sometimes) to let go. I made decisions this semester that I certainly won’t be repeating, but hey! i learned! and that’s the beauty of all of this. That’s the joy of this wonderful experience: to live, learn, grow, change, adapt, make peace with your past, contentment with your present, and excitement for your future.

I learned that my relationship with myself was barely existent. Whatever relationship I did have, it was entirely unhealthy and toxic. I viewed myself as a performer that always had to prove something. I got all of my validation from how others treated me. When people in my life treated me negatively, I automatically assumed it was because I deserved it, that I had done something wrong, and that I just wasn’t good enough. I thought this was a beneficial mindset that would push me towards growth, but it pushed me in a perpetuating cycle of trying to get others to affirm me, love me, give to me, and validate me. I was never content with myself. I disliked my own company, and I avoided solitude at all costs. I thought I was just extremely extroverted, but really I was just avoiding alone time. I didn’t want to be confronted with the things I disliked about myself. This is a huge reason I knew I needed to walk away from my last relationship. Although the familiarity of our relationship brought me comfort, it didn’t bring me stability. This wasn’t a fault on his part. This was a matter of my poor view of myself.

I could honestly expand on this topic so much, but for the sake of this specific blog, I will jump to what I learned and what I’m now doing about it. I learned that I am a whole person on my own. God gives me manna for the day. I am never lacking. I learned that people’s treatment of you is a reflection of what’s going on in their world, not of your character. I learned that you can have all the compassion in the world for someone, but compassion and tolerance don’t always coexist. I learned to have understanding for another’s circumstances without tolerating how that person was treating me. I learned to walk away for my own sake even when it felt wrong or scary. I learned that relationships will always fail if you love the other person more than yourself.

I’m spending more intentional time with myself, learning to be okay with solitude and leaning more closely to the Father’s still, quite voice. I’m taking more long walks away from my phone. I’m dedicating myself to a season of singleness (sorry boys) and figuring out who I am – who the Father wants me to be. I’m establishing firm standards for myself, but I’m choosing to be the first person to uphold them versus waiting for someone else to recognize them. I’m journaling more, reading more, laughing more, loving more…I’m growing and expanding and jumping out the nest for what feels like the first time.

All to say, freshman year was a whirlwind of ups and downs, of constantly trying to make the right decisions and learn from the wrong ones. Bolton pasta and a diet coke a day did not keep the struggles away. But, you know what I did get? I got the bestest of best friends, a closer relationship to the Father, my first B in a class ever (humbling, but necessary), I got healing and growth, abundance and joy. I got all the things I was supposed to get. Say it with me, I lack nothing.

Some tips:

1. Wake up early, but sleep in on Saturday’s.
2. Do something for your body, spirit, and mind everyday. Go on a long walks, journal, and most importantly, pray consistently and daily. Talk to the Father. He’s your best friend.
3. Treat school like a job, but enjoy what you’re learning. It is such a privilege to learn.
4. Spend time with friends often.
5. Call your parents. And your siblings.
6. Find ways to be creative. I like to write and crochet. Trust me. Granny squares cure everything.
7. Take care of yourself. Sometimes, you just need to shower and drink some tea.
8. Try something new. Fail at something at least once a week.
9. Make a gratitude list.
10. Read more instead of scrolling on Instagram or Tiktok. Fuel your brain. It deserves it.
11. GO HAVE FUN! You get one life. One chance to explore and spread the love of Jesus. Don’t waste time. Use it wisely!
12. Be true to yourself. And remember, it is never to late to be the person you want to be.
13. If you must err, always err on the side of kindness and grace.
14. Go to church every Sunday.
15. Don’t stress about feeling lonely or behind. These are normal feelings and necessary for growing up. Those hard seasons will mold and shape you. Find joy in the waiting.
16. Trust the Father and cling to Him.

Things will be rocky as you age and grow. Life is never consistently easy, yet you are still in the Lord’s hands.

May you learn to live presently and smell the roses. May you reflect on each day, good or bad, with gratitude in your heart. May you seek after the Lord in every season, for He never forsakes those who trust in Him. May you grow and expand and never limit yourself. May you continue to take risks and learn. May you have the courage to make hard decisions, knowing that your steps are ordered. May you find your happy medium between being “put-together” and being an absolute mess, and may you learn to smile at yourself in all of it. May you have grace with yourself. May you always sing of the Lord’s praises, for He has been good to you.

Happy summer!!