The blog

I am in such a weird season in life.

I remember being a kid when adults would ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I would elaborately explain to them the exact, highly detailed plan I had. Since the time I was about 8 years old, I was always fully prepared to answer this question. My answer would vary as I aged, but the confidence I had that my plans were undoubtedly going to play out never wavered. I was so ridiculously sure that I had everything figured out. I couldn’t possibly imagine my future deviating from what I had envisioned.

The adults would always respond to me with the usual “Wow, it seems like you really got this planned out. Remember, your mind will change a million times, and things don’t always play out as you imagine they will.”

I would scoff and laugh. I mean, what do they really know? I knew exactly what my college experience would look like, how I would meet my husband (on a summer vacation in Italy, obviously), how I would start my career, when I would have kids, where I would travel and live by the age of 35…EVERYTHING was planned to an exact.

I placed so much of my security on these plans. Then, I got to college, and I grew up a little. Then, I panicked, because none of my plans were actually coming true. Then, I panicked again, because I don’t actually know what I want to major in and do with my life. Then, I lost my s***, because everything that I have recently planned and dreamed in the last year have literally gone out the window. Not just out the window of a smooth, slow, leisurely car ride. I mean out the window of a semi going 80mph on I-75. Perhaps even out the window of a moving plane going over an active volcano. Yeah, that’s more like it.

In short, the adults were right. Who would’ve thought? Certainly not me. I never really believed it when people told me that wisdom comes with age. I digress.

Throughout the course of my freshman year in college, I have undergone more emotional highs and lows than I can keep up with. I have moments where I fully trust in God, surrender all my plans to Him, and find rest knowing that I don’t have to have everything figured out yet. Then, I have moments where I am in an absolute state of stress, severely high-strung and unable to make sense of all the chaos that I feel surrounds me.

I actually started writing this blog a few weeks ago, and at that time I was in a state of pure peace, joy, and excitement about exploring the unknowns of my life.

Now, as I am continuing this blog, I am utterly depleted, emotionally and physically. For the last couple weeks, I have been living in a never-ending state of chronic stress (mostly spurred on by my midterms) worrying endlessly about my life: Am I doing enough? Am I going to fail this class? What am I supposed to major in? How do I start building my resume? Is my family proud of me? Do my friends really like me? Why are breakups so hard?

And, last week, I got all of my wisdom teeth removed. Living off of yogurt and soup gets old pretty quick, and having chipmunk-sized cheeks is far from ideal.

I wish I could say I was thriving in college, which I am sometimes, but right now, I’m really just surviving.

I was handling the breakup well. I was letting go, moving on, and I was pretty happy for the most part. This week has been much harder, though, and I’m really having a difficult time with it all. My pillow has seen enough tears.

I just feel lonely and lost. I’m trying to find time to be with friends but also prioritize school. I’m trying to move forward with my degree without stressing about my future plans (which I don’t have). I’m trying to find the time to do things for me without feeling guilty or unproductive. I’m trying to move on, but it’s so hard not to call him.

I’m also dealing with acne for the first time in my life. ACNE!! The hormones never cease to amaze me. It’s so hard for me not to become so superficial and get all insecure about it. In reality, those tiny little red dots on my face should seriously be at the bottom of my concerns.

This is such an emotional dump, I know. This is a rather vulnerable blog, but that’s also why I created it in the first place: to be fully honest, open, and real. I think we all need that.

Sometimes in life, all you can worry about (and manage) is just keeping your head above water, and that’s okay. Sometimes, you just need an extra cup of coffee and a little time with the Lord, and if that’s all the productivity you accomplish in a day, well, that’s great.

I’m learning that it’s not my job to have everything together all the time but rather to keep staying connected to people, myself, and God. As long as I’m reaching out for help when I need it, I can get through ❤

Here’s a good checklist I’ve been using to remind myself how good I really have it:

1. Did you wake up in a warm bed?
2. Did you have an abundance of clean clothes to pick from?
3. Did you get a text from a Mother who loves you?
4. Did you eat three whole meals today?
5. Did you see and feel the sun?
6. Did you take a shower with hot, running water?
7. Did you get to read God’s word?

These seven things are so convenient for most of us that we forget how absolutely priceless they are. If you checked off at least five of these things by the end of the day, then you should go to bed with a smile.

On a brighter note, spring is on its way! It’s practically here already. The grass is green, the flowers are blooming, the sun is out almost all day, and it’s starting to feel soooo warm. Spring is a season of refresh, new, and creation. This is a wonderful time to recenter yourself.

So, find small, little things you can do during your day to just get through.

Today, I think I’m going to take a 30-minute study break and just sit in the sun. It is so nice out 🙂

⁷ For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV